It’s been an insane amount of time since I blogged anything – probably since before David and I got married if I’m remembering correctly. But something about this occasion drew me back to my little forgotten corner of the world where I once shared so much about my life. It drew me back, and called me to write a post.
I’ve been having a lot of mixed feelings this week about Mother’s Day. Of course I’m excited – even more so because my mom and her husband came down to celebrate with us – but I also feel kind of weird about it. Full disclosure, I was always the kid who got a gift and a card on Mother’s Day, because (in her exact words) I was the reason my mom became a mom. So it’s not like I’m a stranger to attention on Mother’s Day.
But this year is different.
This year I’m literally carrying around the evidence that I am, in fact, a mother. A big, basketball-shaped, 8-month-pregnant belly that showcases that I am literally creating life AS WE SPEAK.
But I don’t know that I feel like a mother yet. If I’m being totally honest, sometimes I forget that I’m even pregnant! That is…until I try to do something and my belly gets in the way, or I run out of breath walking up the stairs, or I realize that I can’t move in quite the same ways I used to. I may be growing a tiny human, and caring for her every need, but I do that by taking care of myself. If I take care of myself, I’m also taking care of her – it’s not a separate thing yet. I don’t have a tiny person around me 24/7 yet. I don’t have the cuddles yet, I haven’t stayed up all night trying to calm the crying yet. If I’m really being honest, I don’t know that I should be celebrated yet.
I had a few clients at work wish me a Happy Mother’s Day this week, and it felt like I was cheating. I work with some wonderful women who are mothers – some are mothers to small children, some are mothers to high school age kids, and some are mothers to children who are just as old if not older than I am! Of course they deserve to be wished a Happy Mother’s Day! But I felt like I was awkwardly attending a party I wasn’t invited to.
I’ve thought about it a lot recently. A few weeks ago, after our most recent OB appointment, David took me out for Mother’s Day dinner and called it a “Not Yet Mother’s Day Dinner for his Not Yet Mother.” It was one of the most adorable things ever, and I loved that he described it that way, it was perfect. And it got me thinking – even though we haven’t met her yet, Saithe Elizabeth is still very much here. I already have hints at her personality, can tell her sleeping patterns, and I can feel her move constantly. She’s already very much a part of me and a part of David and my world, even though we still have about a month until we can meet her and get to know her for real.
This Mother’s Day, I’m thankful for so many women. I’m thankful for my own mother, who I could write an entirely separate blog post on; I’m thankful for David’s mother, who is one of the strongest women I’ve ever known; I’m thankful for my dad’s wife and the mother figure she became in my life; but I’m also extraordinarily thankful for this little life inside me, because she has already made me a mother – whether I feel ready for the title or not.
All photos credit: Luke and Ashley Photography